I want to share an excerpt from a new book being written by a fellow coach.
I have yet to meet someone who has not experienced rejection in some form and I can certainly relate to the emotions described by the author. Interestingly, rejection in either our personal or business lives can be very positive if it increases inner drive and determination or forces us to rethink our way through life and come up with a better solution.
Life is a journey and at times is far from easy. All of us are beset along the way with obstacles and reactions which make us falter or doubt our worth, decisions and purpose.
Rejection ranks high in stopping us abruptly in our tracks but rejection is really just like driving down a road, finding a roadblock and then having to reset the SatNav to navigate along an alternative route.....and maybe, just maybe, the alternative route will offer a fresh view, new opportunities and another road to success.....
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Why rejection is normal
You
know that feeling like a horse just kicked you in the stomach?
The
one that hits you when you open the envelope or the email and the
first words you see are "I'm afraid..."
Or
when the voice at the other end of the phone says, "I'm sorry but..."
Or
when the other person looks you in the eye and clears their throat,
and you realize they are not smiling.
It's
normal.
And
you know how you feel when the news really sinks in that this fabulous
opportunity is not going to happen for you?
That
feeling when you go home and it feels like your world has fallen
in, that you're a failure and you were stupid to even consider
putting yourself forward. What were you thinking? How embarrassed
they must have been to have to put you out of your misery
and confirm that yes, you are a complete and total failure and
you'll never amount to anything so why don't you just give up now.
And how are you going to face the world and tell them about your
latest, biggest, and most spectacular failure?
That's
normal too.
And
you know how it feels like you're the only one locked out on the
outside with your failure, while all the gorgeous, talented, lucky,
successful, confident people are celebrating on the inside (and
laughing at you so hard champagne comes out of their noses).
That's
normal too, believe it or not.
I should
know.
For
one thing, I've experienced all those feelings myself. But
that's not how I know it's normal. If that were all the evidence
I had, then it could just be you and me who have felt like that. But
it's not just you and me.
You
see, I'm in a privileged position. Over the past sixteen years, I've
spent hundreds of hours as a coach and therapist, listening to people
in the process of changing their lives and pursuing their dreams. I've
worked with rich people and poor people. People feeling lost and
confused over their direction in life, and people on a mission to
change the world. People who were just starting out and people with
a long list of hits to their name. People struggling to break out
of obscurity and people struggling to cope with fame.
The
one thing they all had in common was that they were trying to achieve
something remarkable with their lives. They were all pursuing
a dream.
And
you know what? At some point, most of them told me a version of the
same thing:
Everyone
else looks so confident and sure of themselves, unlike me, with
all my doubts and insecurities.
If
only I were a bit more like them, I wouldn't keep getting rejected.
I'd be a success.
After
I'd heard variations on this theme several hundred times, I started
to realize it wasn't just me. It was normal.
You
see, when you set yourself a big ambitious goal, chances are you're
chasing an opportunity a lot of other people would like to have:
- A lucrative book or recording deal.
- A well-paid job doing fulfilling work with inspiring
people in the coolest part of town.
- The lead role in a play/movie/dance production.
- Funding and advice for your startup from wealthy,
experienced, well-connected investors.
- A place in a top sports team.
If
it were easy, everyone would be accepted and no-one would ever be
disappointed. But it isn't easy.
So
most people are disappointed, most of the time.
In
other words, it's normal to be rejected and to feel the horse-kick
in your stomach.
Everybody
gets rejected. Even the best of the best. In fact, the best
probably get rejected even more than the rest of us - because they
put themselves out there more, take more chances, and pursue
more
opportunities. As Babe Ruth said: "Never let the fear of striking
out get in your way."
Have
a look at this list of 30 famous authors whose work was rejected repeatedly
(and sometimes rudely) by publishers:
The names include Stephen King,
William Faulkner, William Golding, John Le Carré, George Orwell,
Sylvia Plath, and Marcel Proust. Whatever your field of endeavor,
you could probably compile a similar list of superstars who
were rejected and humiliated over and over.
How
come they were the ones who succeeded, when countless others fell
by the wayside?
I
think we both know it wasn't just talent, or luck, or privilege. Those
are the classic excuses we make when we want to belittle others'
achievements, or take pity on ourselves.
In
the light of so much evidence of early rejection and later success,
it's hard to escape the conclusion that they kept going in the
face of rejection.
They didn't get an easy ride. They weren't led
past the queue of rejects to a VIP entrance. They experienced the
same pain and fear and anger and embarrassment as you and me.
And
they accepted it as normal. Par for the course. An
occupational hazard.
Something that goes with the territory. A price they were willing
to pay. Even a badge of honor.
They
weren't too proud to trudge through the mud in pursuit of their
dream. So why should we be?
My
clients often have a 'light bulb moment' when I tell them I've heard
the same anguish over rejection hundreds of times - even from very
successful people. Even though nothing has actually changed about
their particular situation, it's clearly a weight off their minds.
Once they get this, they stop beating themselves up so much, and
telling themselves there must be something wrong with them. And start
dealing with the reality of the particular rejection they've just
received.
"Someday,"
I tell them, "I'm going to get you all in a room together,
so you can compare notes and see how many people feel the same
way!" That might be logistically challenging, so the next best thing
is to write this book and get it into the hands of as many readers
as I can.
Rejection
on its own is hard enough. But rejection plus telling yourself,
"It's just me who's useless enough to be rejected," is a real
killer. So drop the second part. Next time you get rejected for
a fabulous opportunity, don't hide from the pain. But don't add to
it either. Look the rejection in the eye and see it as a normal stopping
point on your journey. Then take your next step.
Your
next steps:
1.
Read through the list of famous writers whose works were rejected
multiple times, and notice whether it changes the way you feel
about them
2.
Now make a list of your top ten heroes - people who achieved amazing
things in your own field, and/or people you admire for their
achievements in other fields.
3.
Read up on their careers - especially the early stages - and look out
for stories of rejection and perseverance in the face of adversity.
Chances are you'll find plenty.
4.
How did they cope with rejection? Look for little clues in the reports
of things they said or did. What can you learn from their example?
5.
Next time you experience rejection, notice how much of the pain and
anxiety comes from the rejection itself - and how much you are adding
to it by treating it - and yourself - as abnormal. Then stop adding
to it.
Resilience:
Facing Down Rejection and Criticism on the Road to
Success.
Mark McGuinness
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30 famous authors whose works were rejected (repeatedly, and sometimes rudely) by publishers
The revered sage Frank Sinatra once said, "The best revenge is massive success."
He never spoke a truer word, particularly when it comes to aspiring authors who, after suffering severe smackdowns from publishers, went on to become renowned writers.
Think this has happened to only a select few? Guess again. Cast your eye upon this list of Cinderella authors (and the nasty little notes publishers sent them) and savor the taste of their sweet, sweet revenge.
1. Stephen King
Mr. King received dozens of rejections for his first novel,
Carrie; he kept them tidily nailed to a spike under a timber in his bedroom.
One of the publishers sent Mr. King's rejection with these words:
We are not interested in science fiction which deals with negative utopias. They do not sell.
2. William Golding
Mr. Golding's
Lord of the Flies was rejected by 20 publishers. One denounced the future classic with these words (which should be inscribed on the hapless publisher's tomb):
an absurd and uninteresting fantasy which was rubbish and dull
3. John le Carré
After Mr. le Carré submitted his first novel, The Spy Who Came in From the Cold, one of the publishers sent it along to a colleague, with this message:
You’re welcome to le Carré – he hasn’t got any future.
4. Anne Frank
According to one publisher, The Diary of Anne Frank was scarcely worth reading:
The girl doesn't, it seems to me, have a special perception or feeling which would lift that book above the 'curiosity' level.
15 publishers (other than this dope) also rejected The Diary of Anne Frank.
5. Joseph Heller
In an act of almost unparalled stupidity, one publisher wrote of Mr. Heller's
Catch-22:
I haven’t the foggiest idea about what the man is trying to say…Apparently the author intends it to be funny – possibly even satire – but it is really not funny on any intellectual level.
6. J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s (later
Sorceror’s)
Stone was rejected by a dozen publishers, including biggies like Penguin and HarperCollins. Bloomsbury, a small London publisher, only took it on at the behest of the CEO’s eight-year old daughter, who begged her father to print the book. God bless you, sweetheart.
7. Ursula K. Le Guin
One publisher sent this helpful little missive to Ms. Le Guin regarding her novel,
The Left Hand of Darkness:
The book is so endlessly complicated by details of reference and information, the interim legends become so much of a nuisance despite their relevance, that the very action of the story seems to be to become hopelessly bogged down and the book, eventually, unreadable. The whole is so dry and airless, so lacking in pace, that whatever drama and excitement the novel might have had is entirely dissipated by what does seem, a great deal of the time, to be extraneous material. My thanks nonetheless for having thought of us. The manuscript of The Left Hand of Darkness is returned herewith.
The Left Hand of Darkness went on to win both the Hugo and the Nebula awards.
8. George Orwell
One publisher rejected Mr. Orwell's submission, Animal Farm, with these words:
It is impossible to sell animal stories in the USA.
9. Tony Hillerman
Mr. Hillerman, now famous for his Navajo Tribal Police mystery novels, was initially told by publishers to
Get rid of all that Indian stuff.
10. William Faulkner
One publisher exclaimed in the rejection letter for Mr. Faulkner's book, Sanctuary:
Good God, I can’t publish this!
11. John Grisham
Mr. Grisham’s first novel,
A Time to Kill, was rejected by a dozen publishers and 16 agents before breaking into print and launching Mr. Grisham's best-selling career.
12. Vladimir Nabokov
Mr. Nabokov's
Lolita was greeted by one publisher with these words:
…overwhelmingly nauseating, even to an enlightened Freudian…the whole thing is an unsure cross between hideous reality and improbable fantasy. It often becomes a wild neurotic daydream…I recommend that it be buried under a stone for a thousand years.
13. Sylvia Plath
According to one publisher, Ms. Plath's ability as a poet was nothing special:
There certainly isn't enough genuine talent for us to take notice.
14. EE cummings
Mr. Cummings’ first work,
The Enormous Room, was rejected by 15 publishers. He eventually self-published the book and it went on to become considered a masterpiece of modern poetry. The kicker? He dedicated the book to the 15 publishers who rejected him. Ouch.
15. Irving Stone
Mr. Stone’s
Lust for Life was rejected 16 times, once with this helpful synopsis:
A long, dull novel about an artist.
The book went on to sell over 25 million copies.
16. Rudyard Kipling
I’m sorry Mr. Kipling, but you just don’t know how to use the English language.
These were the words used by one of the editors of the San Francisco Examiner newspaper when rejecting one of Mr. Kipling’s short stories. Mr. Kipling is now a revered author and the San Francisco Examiner is….
17. Frank Herbert
Dune was rejected 20 times before successfully reaching print – and becoming one of the most beloved science fiction novels of all time
18. Richard Adams
Mr. Adams'
Watership Down was rejected since
Older children wouldn’t like it because its language was too difficult.
19. Madeleine L'Engle
Ms. L'Engle's A Wrinkle in Time was rejected by 26 publishers before finally breaking into print. It went on to win the 1963 Newbery Medal.
20. Jack Kerouac
This was one publisher's take on Mr. Kerouac's On the Road:
His frenetic and scrambled prose perfectly express the feverish travels of the Beat Generation. But is that enough? I don't think so.
21. Margaret Mitchell
Ms. Mitchell's
Gone With the Wind was rejected 38 times before finally finding a publisher.
22. Judy Blume
Ms. Blume received “nothing but rejections” for two years.
According to Ms. Blume:
I would go to sleep at night feeling that I'd never be published. But I'd wake up in the morning convinced I would be. Each time I sent a story or book off to a publisher, I would sit down and begin something new. I was learning more with each effort. I was determined. Determination and hard work are as important as talent.
Determination and hard work certainly did the trick for Ms. Blume, who is now considered to be one of the most influential children's literature writers of her generation.
23. Kenneth Grahame
Mr. Grahame’s
Wind in the Willows was refused by a publisher because it was an
Irresponsible holiday story.
24. Isaac Bashevis Singer
One jaded publisher rejected a submission of Mr. Singer's with the words:
It’s Poland and the rich Jews again.
25. Marcel Proust
Mr. Proust’s behemoth
Remembrance of Things Past received this delightfully plain-spoken critique from one publisher:
My dear fellow, I may be dead from the neck up, but rack my brains as I may I can't see why a chap should need thirty pages to describe how he turns over in bed before going to sleep.
26. Jasper Fforde
Mr. Fforde received 76 rejection letters before finally seeing his first novel, The Eyre Affair, in print. The Eyre Affair is now considered a classic of the modern fantasy genre.
27. Meg Cabot
The Princess Diaries slipped through the hands of 17 publishers before finally being accepted for publication.
28. Thor Heyderdahl
Mr. Heyerdahl's classic adventure narrative, The Kon Tiki Expedition, was rejected 20 times before finding a publisher.
29. Jorge Luis Borges
One publisher rejected Mr. Borges' work because it was:
Utterly untranslatable.
30. D.H. Lawrence
After reading Mr. Lawrence's Lady Chatterley's Lover, one publisher warned:
For your own sake do not publish this book.
