16 October 2012

REJECTION IS NORMAL

I want to share an excerpt from a new book being written by a fellow coach.
 
I have yet to meet someone who has not experienced rejection in some form and I can certainly relate to the emotions described by the author.  Interestingly, rejection in either our personal or business lives can be very positive if it increases inner drive and determination or forces us to rethink our way through life and come up with a better solution. 
 
Life is a journey and at times is far from easy.  All of us are beset along the way with obstacles and reactions which make us falter or doubt our worth, decisions and purpose. 
 
Rejection ranks high in stopping us abruptly in our tracks but rejection is really just like driving down a road, finding a roadblock and then having to reset the SatNav to navigate along an alternative route.....and maybe, just maybe, the alternative route will offer a fresh view, new opportunities and another road to success.....
 
 
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Why rejection is normal
 

You know that feeling like a horse just kicked you in the stomach? 

The one that hits you when you open the envelope or the email and the first words you see are "I'm afraid..."  

Or when the voice at the other end of the phone says, "I'm sorry but..." 

Or when the other person looks you in the eye and clears their throat, and you realize they are not smiling. 

It's normal. 

And you know how you feel when the news really sinks in that this fabulous opportunity is not going to happen for you? 

That feeling when you go home and it feels like your world has fallen in, that you're a failure and you were stupid to even consider putting yourself forward. What were you thinking? How embarrassed they must have been to have to put you out of your misery and confirm that yes, you are a complete and total failure and you'll never amount to anything so why don't you just give up now. And how are you going to face the world and tell them about your latest, biggest, and most spectacular failure?

That's normal too.  

And you know how it feels like you're the only one locked out on the outside with your failure, while all the gorgeous, talented, lucky, successful, confident people are celebrating on the inside (and laughing at you so hard champagne comes out of their noses). 

That's normal too, believe it or not.  

I should know.   

For one thing, I've experienced all those feelings myself. But that's not how I know it's normal. If that were all the evidence I had, then it could just be you and me who have felt like that. But it's not just you and me. 

You see, I'm in a privileged position. Over the past sixteen years, I've spent hundreds of hours as a coach and therapist, listening to people in the process of changing their lives and pursuing their dreams. I've worked with rich people and poor people. People feeling lost and confused over their direction in life, and people on a mission to change the world. People who were just starting out and people with a long list of hits to their name. People struggling to break out of obscurity and people struggling to cope with fame. 

The one thing they all had in common was that they were trying to achieve something remarkable with their lives. They were all pursuing a dream.  

And you know what? At some point, most of them told me a version of the same thing:  

Everyone else looks so confident and sure of themselves, unlike me, with all my doubts and insecurities.  

If only I were a bit more like them, I wouldn't keep getting rejected. I'd be a success. 

After I'd heard variations on this theme several hundred times, I started to realize it wasn't just me. It was normal. 

You see, when you set yourself a big ambitious goal, chances are you're chasing an opportunity a lot of other people would like to have:
  • A lucrative book or recording deal.
  • A well-paid job doing fulfilling work with inspiring people in the coolest part of town.
  • The lead role in a play/movie/dance production.
  • Funding and advice for your startup from wealthy, experienced, well-connected investors.
  • A place in a top sports team.
If it were easy, everyone would be accepted and no-one would ever be disappointed. But it isn't easy. 
So most people are disappointed, most of the time. 

In other words, it's normal to be rejected and to feel the horse-kick in your stomach.

Everybody gets rejected. Even the best of the best. In fact, the best probably get rejected even more than the rest of us - because they put themselves out there more, take more chances, and pursue
more opportunities. As Babe Ruth said: "Never let the fear of striking out get in your way." 

Have a look at this list of 30 famous authors whose work was rejected repeatedly (and sometimes rudely) by publishers:
 
The names include Stephen King, William Faulkner, William Golding, John Le Carré, George Orwell, Sylvia Plath, and Marcel Proust. Whatever your field of endeavor, you could probably compile a similar list of superstars who were rejected and humiliated over and over.

How come they were the ones who succeeded, when countless others fell by the wayside? 

I think we both know it wasn't just talent, or luck, or privilege. Those are the classic excuses we make when we want to belittle others' achievements, or take pity on ourselves. 

In the light of so much evidence of early rejection and later success, it's hard to escape the conclusion that they kept going in the face of rejection. They didn't get an easy ride. They weren't led past the queue of rejects to a VIP entrance. They experienced the same pain and fear and anger and embarrassment as you and me.

And they accepted it as normal. Par for the course. An occupational hazard. Something that goes with the territory. A price they were willing to pay. Even a badge of honor. 

They weren't too proud to trudge through the mud in pursuit of their dream. So why should we be? 

My clients often have a 'light bulb moment' when I tell them I've heard the same anguish over rejection hundreds of times - even from very successful people. Even though nothing has actually changed about their particular situation, it's clearly a weight off their minds. Once they get this, they stop beating themselves up so much, and telling themselves there must be something wrong with them. And start dealing with the reality of the particular rejection they've just received. 

 "Someday," I tell them, "I'm going to get you all in a room together, so you can compare notes and see how many people feel the same way!" That might be logistically challenging, so the next best thing is to write this book and get it into the hands of as many readers as I can. 

Rejection on its own is hard enough. But rejection plus telling yourself, "It's just me who's useless enough to be rejected," is a real killer. So drop the second part. Next time you get rejected for a fabulous opportunity, don't hide from the pain. But don't add to it either. Look the rejection in the eye and see it as a normal stopping point on your journey. Then take your next step.

 Your next steps: 

1. Read through the list of famous writers whose works were rejected multiple times, and notice whether it changes the way you feel about them 

2. Now make a list of your top ten heroes - people who achieved amazing things in your own field, and/or people you admire for their achievements in other fields.  

3. Read up on their careers - especially the early stages - and look out for stories of rejection and perseverance in the face of adversity. Chances are you'll find plenty.  

4. How did they cope with rejection? Look for little clues in the reports of things they said or did. What can you learn from their example?  

5. Next time you experience rejection, notice how much of the pain and anxiety comes from the rejection itself - and how much you are adding to it by treating it - and yourself - as abnormal. Then stop adding to it. 
 
Resilience: Facing Down Rejection and Criticism on the Road to Success.
Mark McGuinness
 
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30 famous authors whose works were rejected (repeatedly, and sometimes rudely) by publishers


The revered sage Frank Sinatra once said, "The best revenge is massive success."

He never spoke a truer word, particularly when it comes to aspiring authors who, after suffering severe smackdowns from publishers, went on to become renowned writers.

Think this has happened to only a select few? Guess again. Cast your eye upon this list of Cinderella authors (and the nasty little notes publishers sent them) and savor the taste of their sweet, sweet revenge.



1. Stephen King
Mr. King received dozens of rejections for his first novel, Carrie; he kept them tidily nailed to a spike under a timber in his bedroom.
One of the publishers sent Mr. King's rejection with these words:
We are not interested in science fiction which deals with negative utopias. They do not sell.
2. William Golding
Mr. Golding's Lord of the Flies was rejected by 20 publishers. One denounced the future classic with these words (which should be inscribed on the hapless publisher's tomb):
an absurd and uninteresting fantasy which was rubbish and dull
3. John le Carré
After Mr. le Carré submitted his first novel, The Spy Who Came in From the Cold, one of the publishers sent it along to a colleague, with this message:
You’re welcome to le Carré – he hasn’t got any future.
4. Anne Frank
According to one publisher, The Diary of Anne Frank was scarcely worth reading:
The girl doesn't, it seems to me, have a special perception or feeling which would lift that book above the 'curiosity' level.
15 publishers (other than this dope) also rejected The Diary of Anne Frank.
5. Joseph Heller
In an act of almost unparalled stupidity, one publisher wrote of Mr. Heller's Catch-22:
I haven’t the foggiest idea about what the man is trying to say…Apparently the author intends it to be funny – possibly even satire – but it is really not funny on any intellectual level.
6. J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s (later Sorceror’s) Stone was rejected by a dozen publishers, including biggies like Penguin and HarperCollins. Bloomsbury, a small London publisher, only took it on at the behest of the CEO’s eight-year old daughter, who begged her father to print the book. God bless you, sweetheart.
    
7. Ursula K. Le Guin
One publisher sent this helpful little missive to Ms. Le Guin regarding her novel, The Left Hand of Darkness:
The book is so endlessly complicated by details of reference and information, the interim legends become so much of a nuisance despite their relevance, that the very action of the story seems to be to become hopelessly bogged down and the book, eventually, unreadable. The whole is so dry and airless, so lacking in pace, that whatever drama and excitement the novel might have had is entirely dissipated by what does seem, a great deal of the time, to be extraneous material. My thanks nonetheless for having thought of us. The manuscript of The Left Hand of Darkness is returned herewith.
The Left Hand of Darkness went on to win both the Hugo and the Nebula awards.
8. George Orwell
One publisher rejected Mr. Orwell's submission, Animal Farm, with these words:
It is impossible to sell animal stories in the USA.
9. Tony Hillerman
Mr. Hillerman, now famous for his Navajo Tribal Police mystery novels, was initially told by publishers to
Get rid of all that Indian stuff.
10. William Faulkner
One publisher exclaimed in the rejection letter for Mr. Faulkner's book, Sanctuary:
Good God, I can’t publish this!  

Vladimir Nabokov: Publisher reject
11. John Grisham
Mr. Grisham’s first novel, A Time to Kill, was rejected by a dozen publishers and 16 agents before breaking into print and launching Mr. Grisham's best-selling career.

12. Vladimir Nabokov

Mr. Nabokov's Lolita was greeted by one publisher with these words:
…overwhelmingly nauseating, even to an enlightened Freudian…the whole thing is an unsure cross between hideous reality and improbable fantasy. It often becomes a wild neurotic daydream…I recommend that it be buried under a stone for a thousand years.
13. Sylvia Plath
According to one publisher, Ms. Plath's ability as a poet was nothing special:
                                     There certainly isn't enough genuine talent for us to take notice.
14. EE cummings

Mr. Cummings’ first work, The Enormous Room, was rejected by 15 publishers. He eventually self-published the book and it went on to become considered a masterpiece of modern poetry. The kicker? He dedicated the book to the 15 publishers who rejected him. Ouch.

15. Irving Stone

Mr. Stone’s Lust for Life was rejected 16 times, once with this helpful synopsis:
A long, dull novel about an artist.
The book went on to sell over 25 million copies.

Rudyard Kipling didn't know how to write?
16. Rudyard Kipling
I’m sorry Mr. Kipling, but you just don’t know how to use the English language.
These were the words used by one of the editors of the San Francisco Examiner newspaper when rejecting one of Mr. Kipling’s short stories. Mr. Kipling is now a revered author and the San Francisco Examiner is….
17. Frank Herbert
Dune was rejected 20 times before successfully reaching print – and becoming one of the most beloved science fiction novels of all time
 
18. Richard Adams

Mr. Adams' Watership Down was rejected since
Older children wouldn’t like it because its language was too difficult.
19. Madeleine L'Engle
Ms. L'Engle's A Wrinkle in Time was rejected by 26 publishers before finally breaking into print. It went on to win the 1963 Newbery Medal.
20. Jack Kerouac
This was one publisher's take on Mr. Kerouac's On the Road:
His frenetic and scrambled prose perfectly express the feverish travels of the Beat Generation. But is that enough? I don't think so.
 

Margaret Mitchell
21. Margaret Mitchell

Ms. Mitchell's Gone With the Wind was rejected 38 times before finally finding a publisher.

22. Judy Blume

Ms. Blume received “nothing but rejections” for two years.
According to Ms. Blume:
I would go to sleep at night feeling that I'd never be published. But I'd wake up in the morning convinced I would be. Each time I sent a story or book off to a publisher, I would sit down and begin something new. I was learning more with each effort. I was determined. Determination and hard work are as important as talent.
Determination and hard work certainly did the trick for Ms. Blume, who is now considered to be one of the most influential children's literature writers of her generation.

23. Kenneth Grahame

Mr. Grahame’s Wind in the Willows was refused by a publisher because it was an
Irresponsible holiday story.
24. Isaac Bashevis Singer
One jaded publisher rejected a submission of Mr. Singer's with the words:
It’s Poland and the rich Jews again.

The long-winded Marcel Proust
25. Marcel Proust
Mr. Proust’s behemoth Remembrance of Things Past received this delightfully plain-spoken critique from one publisher:
My dear fellow, I may be dead from the neck up, but rack my brains as I may I can't see why a chap should need thirty pages to describe how he turns over in bed before going to sleep.
26. Jasper Fforde
Mr. Fforde received 76 rejection letters before finally seeing his first novel, The Eyre Affair, in print. The Eyre Affair is now considered a classic of the modern fantasy genre.
 
 
 
27. Meg Cabot
The Princess Diaries slipped through the hands of 17 publishers before finally being accepted for publication.
28. Thor Heyderdahl
Mr. Heyerdahl's classic adventure narrative, The Kon Tiki Expedition, was rejected 20 times before finding a publisher.
29. Jorge Luis Borges
One publisher rejected Mr. Borges' work because it was:
Utterly untranslatable.
30. D.H. Lawrence
After reading Mr. Lawrence's Lady Chatterley's Lover, one publisher warned:
For your own sake do not publish this book.
 

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